he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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