High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
