It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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