I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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