I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
