How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
