The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
