I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I can't trust your balls anymore.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
