Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
