I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
