I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
