Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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