your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
