Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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