it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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