Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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