Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
