I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
