if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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