everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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