i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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