I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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