good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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