didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
