Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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