I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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