Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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