im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
