The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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