I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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