I cut my penus on the lid.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize