So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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