I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
