my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
