Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
