Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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