he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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