So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Terrible idea I love it
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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