My sheets look like a crime scene.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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