At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
farters have to be the big spoon...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Semen is not good for contacts.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
