I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
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