I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
