goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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