Define "chronic" masturbator.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize