someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
