the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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