I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
