they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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