i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
