she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
