How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
