Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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