Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize