Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
porn star boner night. come get it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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