More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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