I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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