she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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