this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
