Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he thought i was a dude.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
