I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
