I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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